Before I had got these in, the
box was more than full, and some of them had to be taken out again. In
choosing which were to go and which to be left, I lost time; but I did
not know anything about the trains, and expected to be ready before my
uncle, who would call me when he thought fit.
My thoughts also hindered my hands. Very likely I should never marry
John; I would not heed that; he would be mine all the same! but to
promise that I would not marry him, because it suited such a mother's
plans to marry him to some one else--that I would not do to save my life!
I would have done it to save my uncle's, but our exile would render it
unnecessary!
At last I was ready, and went to find my uncle, reproaching myself that I
had been so long away from him. Besides, I ought to have been helping him
to pack, for neither he nor his arm was quite strong yet. With a heartful
of apology, I sought his room. He was not there. Neither was he in the
study. I went all over the house, and then to the stable; but he was
nowhere, neither had anyone seen him. And Death was gone too!
The truth burst upon me: I was to see him no more while that terrible
woman lived! No one was to know whither he had gone! He had given himself
for my happiness! Vain intention! I should never be happy! To be in
Paradise without him, would not be to be in Heaven!
John was in London; I could do nothing! I threw myself on my uncle's bed,
and lay lost in despair! Even if John were with me, and we found him,
what could we do? I knew it now as impossible for him to separate us that
he might be unmolested, as it was for us to accept the sacrifice of his
life that we might be happy.
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