Thought followed thought insidiously, imperceptibly, like
fold upon fold of a cloth dropped upon me, as I sat in the silent
room alone. To take this girl and force back her art upon itself, to
mutilate her brain-power and drug it with her roused sensuality, to
turn her into a simple instrument of pleasure for myself, and lend
myself to her as such. To yield to this inflowing tide of desire
that beat, now, heavily through all my veins, and let the brain go
down beneath its waves.
If I chose I could do it, and none but myself could gauge the depth
of my debasement. No eye could discern the high level ground now on
which I stood and the morass that swam before me. I should marry
this girl and the world asks no more. This other lower life that lay
in my power appealed to me in all its sweetness--this woman as she
would be when mine. Those lips with the mark of mine upon them;
those delicate nerves stung to frenzy; that form tense, and the
limbs strung with passion; those eyes terror-stricken between
anguish and ecstasy.
The thought of the woman's personality clung to me like a viscous
web. I struggled against it, but it enwrapped me; I could not shake
it from me.
Again and again my arm encircled those soft yielding shoulders; the
warm agitated bosom was touching mine; my hands held, and felt
within it, the smooth muscles of the white arm--a vision of the
whole indefinably supple form swam giddily before me in a
suffocating proximity, till I pressed my hands on my eyes, and the
thought came involuntarily,--Is this insanity?
My brain gave her into my arms now as I sat there, and the blind
physical system clamoured in agony, Where is she? An hour passed,
and then I got up and laughed.
Pages:
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84