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Smith Jr., J. Thorne

"Biltmore Oswald The Diary of a Hapless Recruit"

"
"Oh," says I, "we just provoke the submarine until it loses its temper
and the other boat sinks it."
"That's it," says the jimmy-legs, "you just sort of steam back and
forth in front of it slowly."
"How slowly?" asks the Spider.
"Very," replied the jimmy-legs.
"No guns at all?" asks Tim.
"None," says he.
"A regular little home," suggests Tony.
"Sure," says the jimmy-legs, "nothing to do at all but steam slowly
back--"
"For God's sake don't dwell on that point any more!" I cried. "We
understand it perfectly."
"A regular lil' home," muttered Tim as he began to stow his bag.
(Later) I write these lines with horror. Some one has told me that the
Navy needs Powder tasters, something I'd never heard of before, and
that perhaps--that's what we are going to be used for. All you have to
do, this guy says, is to taste the powder to see if it's damp or dry
and if it's damp you take it away and bake it. This sounds worse than
the Submarine Provoker.
(Still later) Rumor is rife. The latest report is that we are going to
be Mine Openers.
"What's a Mine Opener?" I asked my informant.
"Why, it's a guy," says he, "that picks up the mines floating around
his boat, but only the German mines of course, and opens them to see
if they are as dangerous as they look.


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