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Smith Jr., J. Thorne

"Biltmore Oswald The Diary of a Hapless Recruit"

He was sitting with his nose thrust in some
dusty volume totally oblivious of the pandemonium that reigned around
him. He either has a great mind or none at all--probably the latter. I
fear I would never make an editor. The atmosphere is simply
altogether too strenuous for me.

_May 4th._ There seems to be no place in the service for me; I cannot
decide what rating to select. To be a quartermaster one must know how
to signal, and signaling always tires my arms. One must know how to
blow a horrid shrill little whistle in order to become a boatswain
mate, and my ears could never stand this. To be a yeoman, it is
necessary to know how to rattle papers in an important manner and
disseminate misinformation with a straight face, and this I could
never do. I fear the only thing left for me is to try for a
commission. I'm sure I would be a valuable addition to any wardroom.

_May 6th._ "Man the drags! Hey, there, you flannel-footed camel, stop
galloping! What are you doing, anyway--playing horses?"
"Don't be ridiculous," I cried out, hot with rage and humiliation;
"you know perfectly well I'm not playing horse. I realize as well as
you do that this is a serious--"
At this juncture of my brave retort a gun barrel stove in the back of
my head, some one kicked me on the shin and in some indescribable
manner the butt of a rifle became entangled between my feet, and down
I went in a cloud of dust and oaths.


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